Because you changed me…

I was only 22 when I married your dad. I had my own vision of our future, based on career and huge plans, which moved aside any plan of having a baby. I was young and thought babies are trouble that is why we should have them by 30’s only. I know I was wrong, but this was me on that period of my life.

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Time flew. 11 months passed since our wedding. It was July month too when I woke up with tears, which I quickly wiped off because I am a “strong” woman. A smile arose on my cheeks as I recalled my dream which made me cry at my dream, those were tears of happiness. I saw you in my dream and felt the feelings of motherhood, those indescribable yet incredible feelings. That was a moment I understood that I want you in our life, I knew I would love you to bits and I realized that I want to become a mother. Rushed to wake up your daddy, overwhelmingly announced him that I want a baby and don’t care about our life in a studio apartment and that we are still too young and have no explanation for my sudden change. Although your daddy wanted you since our marriage and it was me raising those issues as an excuse 🙂 So are you imagining his astonishment now? Don’t worry, he is too used to my craziness 😉 you will need too 😉 Your daddy got excited with my decision 🙂 Get prepared to next…

As all the moms, I wanted you to be healthy and could trust you to best doctor only (best from my point of view and requirements, long list). There I started my preparations and research. I even wanted you to be the particular sign, Leo, in the year of the horse. I know it’s silly but I believe in astrology although I know Allah is the one to decide. I just wanted you to be strong and successful, cheerful and sociable, demanding yet giving as Leos are. Also, to take the honesty, loyalty, and diligence from the horse. I started asking Allah every single night to fulfill my desire of you arriving at this world by the end of July 2014 and started my calculations alongside. Remember that you have to take actions and work for your desires for Allah to accomplish your wishes. Always! In everything! For everyone!

It was November 15, 2013, when your impatient mama rushed to the pharmacy to grab the magic stick, two of them, as your mama is not just impatient but wary too, as well as a good planner. I planned everything into details. You should see my happiness seeing the two lines on a magic stick, just one of them. First one was spoiled because your impatient mama is not good at trying new things too.  I still keep that magic stick. Have no idea why and what reason for 🙂 I think most mothers keep it, so I am not the only guilty one 😉 I had beautiful flowers from your daddy as soon as he heard the news.

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I went through the most amazing 9 months with you in me. Followed the diet, ignored any junk food, and listened to all the requirements of our gentle and beautiful Dr. Lina Skutaite. I am attaching her photo for you to know her. Have no idea why, though.

dr. Lina

Speaking of gentle, what power do you hold is clear to Allah only but you changed me a lot. You made me gentle. Your strong, confident and very ambitious mama turned to a gentle, caring and too calm woman. I am sure that it’s you who changed me because I see this amazing combination of gentleness and strength in you.

You came to this world with the help of modern achievements of medicine as you were too big and I was too scared. Remember that regardless of how good I hide my feelings and act strong, I am a woman, indeed the weakest one among all. I am more sensitive and emotional than those who don’t hide their feelings. I hide my feelings so well that you might not even notice during your entire life, but I also cry when hurt, at nights, without a sound… I have my fears, one of which is sleeping alone, that’s why you’ll never see me sleeping if daddy is not home and many others. I am way weaker than you think. I never told these to anyone in my life, but now the world will know about my weaknesses thanks to or no thanks to today’s technology and my blog 😉 Since you know my true personality now, you can understand my fear of natural delivery and preference of a c-section. However, I was glad about my decision, as you were not small in me. Doctor agreed for a c-section after your measurements at 32 weeks, which proposed at least 4.2 kg of your weight.

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Doctor was almost right. You were born 4.630 gram and 55.5 cm at 10:05 a.m. in operation room of Al Zahra hospital Dubai. You’ve inherited my impatience. Remember you crying before being out of my tummy. Your daddy was with us, we heard you crying and urged to see you, but doctor excitedly told us you were still in me, as your right shoulder was stuck. She was excited, because it was a sign of healthiness, as she said. The only part of c-section I regret about is that I couldn’t enjoy the first minutes of you being with me on skin to skin touch basis. They followed the policy although I was awake and in my senses. You were on daddy’s arms from the first minute of your life till doctor was done with stitching. Almost 45 minutes. This maybe the reason you love daddy more than me, I don’t mind it, but I feel little jealous, just sometimes :). Still remember your faces when I was moved to the room where you and daddy were waiting for me. Daddy had white as a wall face, he was scared. Never seen him scared before. You had red face from cry and hunger. You cried non-stop and way too loud. It took a while to calm you down until I finally nursed you. Nursing you was quite a process 🙂 You were big, demanding and impatient. 5-15 minutes of struggle with the help of 3 nurses to let you latch on for first 3 days, every single nursing session. You gave a little trouble with nursing even later, as you always needed right now, straight away the moment you felt the hunger. You were not easy as an infant in general. We had tough 6 months as you suffered from colic. You loved crying with and without reason too loud, too demanding. Yet you had your first smile earlier than written on articles about milestones. You were 3 weeks old only when I saw your first smile which made me feel so happy and proud, as earliest time is from 4 weeks old. You’ve been making me proud since birth with your mental developments. You used to follow my finger clicks or other objects almost since birth, I guess. Your pediatric doctor Ayman Koutoby was astonished to see your eyes following my finger clicks (I used to distract you this way whenever you felt uncomfortable) and you were between 2-3 weeks only.

dr. Ayman

It was your 4th appointment with different doctors already, for your excessive and loud cries due to colic. We used to carry you and sleep on a sofa as you accepted this way of sleeping for 2 hours only, otherwise, only 40 minutes if we place you in your crib. That’s why you never slept in your crib, only napped. Daddy’s arms and my chest were your “cribs”. Daddy loves you a lot. He used to be on duty from 7 p.m. to 1-2 a.m. His duty was, watching TV on silent mode while sitting on a sofa and carrying you move less for 2 hours. You would wake up every two hours from feeling of hunger, daddy used to hand you over to me (I slept on the sofa next to you) to nurse you and give you back to him. I needed those naps as I was exhausted from early morning (2-5 a.m.) and afternoon (3-6 p.m.) colic attacks of yours. I started a co-sleep when you turned 4 months old although I was against it. This was the only solution for three of us to have a quality sleep, well maybe two of you, as I had almost no sleep till your age of 17.5-month-old. You simply stopped sleeping by then and daddy understood that you need your own space. We moved you to your own room with a single bed, magically, you started sleeping through a night since then. There are nights you might still wake up 1-2 times from congested nose or teething pain, though. (I have no single good photo of yours at 3 weeks old with your smile)

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Your first birthday

All the sleepless nights were covered by happiness I get from you. Your first word, your first step, your first dance! I remember every bit of your single day, every single development or achievement of yours. I never wrote down your milestones as I keep them in my mind. Physical milestones of yours have been just on time as if you followed the book (given in hospital at your birth) as a guideline. Your mental developments been ahead of time, you started “coo”ing at 45 days, you knew 10 words by 10 months old and 25 words at your 18 months, you could combine 3 words into a “sentence” by then too. You drum since you are 9 months old and you sing the nursery rhymes (you know by heart most of them: Old Mcdonalds; Twinkle – twinkle; Walking in the jungle; If you’re happy; Russian lullaby, Russian: Я на солнышко лежу; Wheels on the bus, Halloween tree) by now, although you will only turn two after 10 days.  I think you have a musical talent as you love listening to songs, singing, and music in general. You also seem to have a talent for languages too. You are fluent in Russian and English as you speak Russian to me in full and English in your nursery or to strangers. You also speak little Uzbek but understand it in full. You are addicted to animals, especially the jungle ones, you carry them everywhere, even to your bed time. You can name all the jungle, farm and sea animals in English; and most of them in Russian; and only few in Uzbek. You made me proud on the parents meeting this year. Your teacher, Ms. Gladdys thinks that your level is a year higher and she is predicting a bright future for you, maybe as a president. All these make me thank Allah every single day for giving us such a bright boy as you are! We have noticed a great side of you: diligence. I always hear you repeating the new word you learned while playing or running around. You are keen to learn and love being challenged. All I wish and ask from you is never stop learning, never forget your diligence!

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13 months old: your first steps

You are turning two soon, we are planning your birthday party of jungle animals theme, as you are obsessed with them. You have no idea about it. You will see the photos when you grow and of course I will mention every part of it. As all your big moments and days, because I will “save” everything as blog posts, in photos or videos and certainly in my mind. Even when you grow up and have your own family. Even if we get your siblings. Memories of your siblings will require your help by the way because you will be a big brother by then. You are our first child, the most love and hope is with you. It may be a bit loading for you but we will need your support as a big brother with everything. In fact, I already feel your support. It was July 8, I felt very down, sat on a sofa and stopped my breath from crying, so you don’t see me crying, but you felt me. You approached me, asked me to make you sit on me, embraced my neck with your little arms and said “Mama, I love you” I kissed you and replied that I love you too and we sat hugging each other for 30 minutes. I recalled similar action from your side that happened few months ago. You always feel me and simply share your support and love when I need, though you never see me crying or the reason made me sad. I know you will grow up and we won’t be as attached as now because you will have your own family and life, but we will always be with you, ready to support, route you if needed and give our love. We will follow your dreams, we will share your happiness and celebrate your achievements! Just like this. Because you are our son! Because you are planned and wanted! Because I knew you from my dream of one beautiful hottest night of July and you are exactly as I asked from Allah! Because you changed our life! Especially me!

You made me calmer. I learned to take easy everything around me thanks to you. I started accepting people and things as they are and understanding the reasons behind their personality since I have you. I understood that breaks are essential and having “me time” is a must, since you grow and I need to gain power for you. I saw the shapes and sides of love and that love are not always towards an opposite gender, but love can be different. I know about love to parents and siblings, which is different. I am about a blind love in which you don’t see the bad sides of a person, which is common between couples. There can be a blind love towards little people we make. You made me creative. I can see a dolphin in the piece of a dried apple slice from “Hunter” pack and pretend that it’s jumping on a sea. You proved me that happiness to simple things exist and it is fine to dance for getting a cone of ice-cream. You showed that life isn’t that fast and we can simply sit on a ground to watch how tiny ants passing by carrying something on their back and count them. You inhabited me to stop doing whatever I was doing to just run after you, catch you and tickle you so we both indulge in the laughter of happiness, just for few minutes, which are like hours for you and won’t harm the world. Yes, I am crying now and hiding it from my colleagues while writing this on my desk during my lunch break, but I will admit it to you because these are tears of happiness to have you in my life and you are the one who taught me to show my feelings and just because you changed me!

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Your mama loves trying everything 🙂 my trial hijab style

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I love you to bits!

Yours always

Mama.

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